Lately I've been so stressed out, I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. Work has been insane, but in a good way. Things are going well, I'm taking on more and more responsibility -- and all that means longer hours and harder work. But there are other things... big huge things.... that are currently eating up all of my energy.
MCC and I are moving in together. In September.
Cut to me, panicking in full freak out mode. I'm staring down at my renewal lease, my hand shaking as I check the box next to "I/We agree not to renew the lease agreement and I/We shall vacate the premises upon expiration of the current lease." Don't get my wrong -- I am super excited about moving in with this man. I love him wholeheartedly. But I'm vacating my premises. I'm giving up Manhattan real estate and moving into *his* apartment in Queens. I'm cleaning out everything and throwing away bags and bags of the things I've surrounded myself with, pretending they are security.
We decided to move in together mid-June. The process involved long long discussions, about what we're scared of and how we think we can avoid those things. While I may be pretty good about bearing my soul here, braced with anonymity, I suck at it face to face. I boil everything down to logical bold lines, and reduce my emotions to mere shading. The full emotional exposure is something I'm getting better at, but it's not easy. And I'm not always successful.
The side-effect of having made this decision so early, is that everything since then has sort of been put under a microscope. I can't help but wonder now, if we fight or if he does something to upset me, whether its just gonna get ten times worse if we're living together, and so I've been scrutinizing everything tenfold.
There are some things about him that drive me insane. Sometimes, when I tell him something is bothering me, he'll say he understands, agrees and will either fix it or stop it. Then nothing changes. Rinse, repeat. It's certainly not with all issues -- not by any means. But this week we had this huge blowout because there are a couple of issues that I have talked to him about repeatedly. Please know I'm not talking about dirty socks on the floor here -- I choose my battles carefully, and actually -- that's part of the problem. Because I feel that I am choosy about what I gripe about, if he doesn't seem responsive to those things -- I start feeling I'm being taken advantage of. Why should it come to me having to cry and fight to get him to rectify situations I feel are unfair, or worse, that hurt me? I haven't found an answer to that one, other than that apparently, most men have selective hearing, and tend not to hear the problems that require a bit more work.
